An Abuse Survivor's Tale

Getting back into the swim of things

2005-03-15T17:47:00.001-08:00

Had a PTSD experience 10 days ago which explains why I haven't been here. On Friday night the 4th, I was getting ready for bed when I suddenly developed a nosebleed. I thought I had stopped the bleeding, so I got into my jammies and got into bed, only to find the bleeding had started again, and was now VERY heavy. This time I was not able to stop the bleeding, and it was alarmingly fast, so I awoke my elderly father, who lives with us, and had him drive me to the ER. The doctor there, who knew I had PTSD, said the best treatment would be to insert a "Rhino Rocket" in my nose and inflate it. She said I would feel "some discomfort" and proceeded to ram this sticklike thing up my nose. The pain was unbearable! I cried, "No, no, NO!" and she had to stop. She packed my nose with cotton instead. I told her I would need sedation or some other pain relief to tolerate the "Rhino Rocket" procedure, and she refused me any, though she said I really did need the procedure to treat the nosebleed adequately. I was sent home with a nose full of cotton, and slept, fitfully, sitting upright on the couch for the rest of the night.

Saturday morning, I lounged around and took it easy. In the early afternoon, about 12 hours after I had come home, the bleeding started again, much worse than ever. My kitchen looked like a crime scene; there was blood everywhere. My daughter dialed 911 for me, and Son called Grandpa to tell him to come home right away. The kids ended up at a neighbor's while I rode in the ambulance back to the ER, to a different doctor. This time, I said right away that I had PTSD and I would need a sedative if they were going to insert a "Rhino Rocket." In a very short time, a nurse came in to start an IV. When they were ready to do the procedure, they gave me sedation and two kinds of local anesthetic. It was no big deal! It stopped the bleeding, too. Why the Hell didn't the dumb b!tc# from the night before just do it with sedation in the first place? It would have saved me a trip in an ambulance, and my children a whole lot of trauma.

Hey, doctors! If you have patients with PTSD, listen when they tell you what they need! Don't traumatize them further.

Flu!

2005-02-27T17:12:00.000-08:00

On Friday I succumbed to the nasty respiratory flu that has bedeviled everyone else in my family for the last couple of weeks. I suppose it was inevitable. My son and I have had some heart-to-heart conversations now, about our common experience, and decided that one of the unique features of this particular virus that makes it special is the "cough 'til you yak" phenomenon. For the first day and a half, I felt as though my entire skin surface had been gone over with a nutmeg grater. Now, that feeling has subsided, blessedly, but my throat, at times, has the distinct sensation of having swallowed a number of double-edged razor-blades.

Oh well, could be worse, could be raining. Wait. . . it is. Damn.

Oh, wow!

2005-02-26T10:16:00.003-08:00

I ordered some stuff from the Cafe Press store so I could check out the quality, and I just got four products today (I still have a sweatshirt coming). They are great! I was worried that the graphics might look cheesy, or that it might be poor quality stuff, but it's all really top-notch stuff. I got the journal, tote bag, a mug, and a t-shirt. Now I know I can stand behind this project with pride. Please support my efforts to raise money for DV charities.

2005-02-24T12:47:00.000-08:00

My Inner Hero - Paladin!

I strive to help others, and to bring truth and harmony to the world however I can. Whether times are good or bad, you can always count on me. I'm a shoulder to cry on, a champion for the helpless, and an all around nice person.

How about you? Click here to find your own inner hero.

This is kind of funny, actually, since I am a Dame Templar in real life.

Now THAT'S what I'm TALKIN' about!

2005-02-23T13:46:00.000-08:00

Hah! Just got my lab results from some routine bloodwork back from the doctor's office. Everything was marked "OK," and here's the fun part, the ones that had numbers:

Blood sugar: 83
Total Cholesterol: 156 (should be <200)
HDL: 45 (should be > or = 40)
LDL: 85 (should be <130)
Triglycerides: 130 (should be <150)

Oh, yeah! I so rock!

Hmmmm.

2005-02-23T08:25:00.000-08:00

I managed to mail my appeal of the crappy decision by social services today-- post office was backed-up as Hell yesterday. But I found I slept a bit better last night, just having written the letter, knowing I was taking action and not helpless in the hands of some government bureaucrat.

Couple O' Updates

2005-02-22T16:47:00.000-08:00

Finally got back to Tae Kwon Do class today, having missed almost a whole week due to sick kids. I'm working on the whole of Chon-ji now, feeling pretty good about it. Noticed that when we jog laps around the dojang, I can jog longer than I used to before I feel like I'm going to die. Wheee.

Talked with the detective handling Daughter's abuse complaint. The case has been handed to the DA, so I should be hearing from that office in a few days. I'm filing an appeal of the social services report, which is only a part of the whole case, because they came to completely different conclusions and I believe they botched the interview with my daughter. Luckily, the cops have a lot more stuff to turn over to make their case, so that one report might not be a problem.

I'm up to doing 15 regular push-ups a day, though I'm admittedly not exactly getting all the way to the floor on each one yet. I still feel I'm making progress.

I guess this isn't so bad.

2005-02-21T17:38:00.000-08:00

Green Day

2005-02-19T12:13:00.000-08:00

Bought tickets this morning to go see Green Day when they come to town! That's something I certainly could not have done if I were still in my abusive marriage. It's little freedoms like this that remind me all the time how good it is to be free.

Have you done any of this?

2005-02-17T12:25:00.000-08:00

(BOLD means I did it.)

01. Dyed your hair
02. Been a DJ
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Been arrested
05. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said "I love you" and meant it
09. Taught yourself an art from scratch
10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Had a booth at a street fair
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watched the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten my own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
25. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
26. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Built your own PC from parts
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden on a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Ridden on a motorcycle
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
48. Ridden a horse
49. Had major surgery
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was sh*t faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
55. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Changed your name
64. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it.
81. Parasailed
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Skipped all your school reunions
84. Started a business
85. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
86. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Written your own computer language
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Found out someone was going to dump you via Blogger
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything!
108. Gone back to school
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gotten someone fired for their actions
115. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Had your picture in the newspaper
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Eaten kangaroo meat
129. Been a sperm or egg donor
130. Eaten sushi
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
134. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
140. Written articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds at one time
142. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Had sex on a moving train

Public Service Announcement

2005-02-15T08:03:00.001-08:00

Just for folks who may not know:

If you have a disability, you are protected by federal law under the Agency on Aging against abuse. If you are disabled, and believe you are being abused psychologically, physically, financially, etc., please seek assistance!

Disabilities Information Hotline 800-692-0249

Disabled Persons Protection Commission 800-426-9009

http://www.vachss.com/help_text/disabled_abuse.html

Problem solved, temporarily.

2005-02-11T13:47:00.000-08:00

I was all in knots, wondering what to do about my kids' scheduled visitation with their dad this weekend, since he is currently being investigated for allegedly abusing my daughter, but there is no legal documentation to block his visitation, yet, because it is all still in limbo. Daughter definitely does not want to spend any time with him, but is not legally old enough to say so, and have it stick. Anyway, the problem solved itself, at least for this weekend, because Daddy just called and said everyone in his household has the flu, so he won't be able to come up for visitation. Hmmmm. Wasn't this also the weekend the local cops wanted him to come in for questioning? Why, I believe it was! What a pity that he'll have to reschedule with them, too.

More than you wanted to know

2005-02-09T13:32:00.000-08:00

Ten bands I love
1. Tin Machine
2. The Who (with Keith Moon)
3. Green Day
4. The F*ckups
5. The Dead Kennedys
6. The Violent Femmes
7. The Stray Cats
8. The Stan Kenton Orchestra
9. Barenaked Ladies
10. The B-52s

Nine things I like to eat/drink
1. Water
2. Dark chocolate
3. Turkish coffee
4. Havarti cheese
5. Pizza with onions
6. Really hot hot sauce
7. Palak Aloo
8. Tater tots
9. Creme Brulee
10. Tiramisu

Eight things I like to wear
1. Sexy bras
2. Thongs
3. High heels
4. Fine jewelry
5. Dancewear/ spandex
6. My dobok
7. Organza dresses
8. My cross
9. Cashmere knits
10. Birkenstocks

Seven things I like to do for fun
1. Shop
2. Journal/Blog
3. Read books
4. Make music
5. Do puzzles
6. Watch South Park
7. Kick @$$/ practice Tae Kwon Do

Six things I don't understand
1. The ENTIRE theory of special relativity-- I get the basic idea of it
2. Conservatives
3. Trigonometry
4. Simon Cowell
5. Why Survivor and Fear Factor are hits
6. H ow to get my cat to stop peeing on the carpet

Five people that mean something to me
1. Daughter
2. Son
3. Best friend Todd
4. Best friend Denise
5. God

Four things I will not do
1. Give up
2. Cheat
3. Steal
4. Kill

Three random things about me
1. I have tattoos
2. I despise grapefruit
3. I love Celtic knots

Two of my favorite stores
1. Dean & Deluca
2. Tivol

One thing worth waiting for
1. The right relationship

One Day at a Time

2005-02-09T13:08:00.000-08:00

I know these things take time, but the days of waiting for this investigation to be done are really wearing on me, worrying all the time, especially since the child protection people have been extremely unresponsive about returning phone calls, and they don't seem to have kept records of the many other times her teachers from school had called to report suspected abuse, since they didn't investigate those reports. Do these agencies ever actually DO anything?

New testing requirements

2005-02-05T13:41:00.001-08:00

Master Brown told us today he has added a new requirement for belt testing. From now on, everyone testing for a yellow belt has to do a set of 20 push-ups, the real kind, not the girlie-knee ones I've been doing. The number of push-ups goes up by ten for each belt level, then to 75 for red belt, and 100 for black belt.

I think I'm the one student who is probably going to suffer most having to meet this new standard. Crap!

My son stayed home from Tae Kwon Do today because he has a cold, so I went and left the kids with Grandpa. Wouldn't you know, mister abuser calls up while I'm gone and says he wants to talk to "his" kids. My son talked on the phone with him for a few minutes, but daughter refused. I was advised by an ex-cop friend to get an earpiece mic for my phone so I could record all his calls, so I think I will have to do that from now on. He already tried to pry information from me about the investigation when he called before he talked to the cops. At least my son doesn't have any information to give him.

For anyone who is unaware, child abuse is a felony, and warrants issued for the same are applicable anywhere in the U.S. This is not some little misdemeanor battery charge we are dealing with. Not smart to be hassling your "alleged" victim and trying to get her to talk on the phone with you.

New goings on

2005-02-01T13:38:00.000-08:00

Daughter came home from visitation last week with a bruise she said she got from Daddy when he hit her with a chair, so now he is on the receiving end of an investigation by police and child protection authorities. We have a forensic interview tomorrow morning, wheee. This whole ball of wax is why I haven't been online much this past week-- lots to deal with, and didn't really feel like yakking about it too much. Just praying for the truth to be seen by the investigators, and for my little girl to be protected.

Had a good Tae Kwon Do session today, and FINALLY got my dobok! I told my instructor that pretty soon, if I'm attacked by midgets, I'll be able to give them a fairly annoying boot to the head. He said, "And do some damage to other people's kneecaps." Some of my roundhouse kicks, I completed without having to touch down with my kicking leg before returning to starting position, yay!

"Weird Al" Yankovic and other miscellany

2005-01-22T16:21:00.000-08:00

Just wanting to post a few little random survivor's thoughts tonight, since I've had a rough day, PTSD-wise, though I lied on my other blog and said my weekend was going pretty well.

I almost didn't go to Tae Kwon Do this morning because I was really upset after a confrontation I had with my father first thing today. It seems when we argue, it's always rehashing the same crap; I suggest actions to solve the problems we are talking about, and he shuts the solutions down, so nothing changes and I feel like a cipher. I was so upset by the time for TKD class, I thought I might even throw up, and I really didn't want to do THAT in the middle of the dojang! I went, though, knowing it would be good for me to work off some anger/ anxiety, and just crossed my fingers that my stomach would settle down. Class went just fine. It was the family class for all ages, so we did MAJOR stretching and then practiced basic punches and blocks before reciting the martial arts codes of conduct and ethics. I think we must have done between 60 and 80 push-ups, in sets of ten, sprinkled throughout the hour. I felt much better after class, until I got home and was depressed again because I started thinking about the argument with Dad.

Tomorrow is our church's big annual meeting and potluck luncheon, and I have to figure out what I am taking-- kind of tough since I am on this very strict diet, and nobody else there will want to eat what I can eat! I'm thinking vegetarian chili, though it would have to be reheated after the service.

The last thing I wanted to mention is the song "I Remember Larry" from "Weird Al" Yankovic's Bad Hair Day album. It's a funny song, to be sure, but it takes on a special flavor and significance for domestic violence survivors. Check it out.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention. . .

2005-01-21T20:24:00.000-08:00

My boss voluntarily offered me a raise-- not as much as I was hoping for, but he offered it without me asking, so I'm happy for now.

Also, I've lost 63 pounds in just under 5 months, meaning I have 20 to go!

Finally!

2005-01-21T18:15:00.000-08:00

After such a long absence, it feels good to be back and posting again. I think it is part of my PTSD that I sometimes get all "weird" about so much social interaction with people, so I withdraw a little and avoid email and the computer, and sort of coccoon for awhile. Anyway, I'm back now.

I've had some good Tae Kwon Do lessons. The time of day that I attend is a very small class, and last time it was JUST ME and the instructor, so it was like a personal trainer session, wheeee! I really like Master Brown so much-- he tries to come across as such a tough S.O.B., and he IS a tough guy, but he's also been very good about tailoring my classes for my needs since I had that recent surgery. I think he's a pussycat in wolf's clothing. Don't tell him I said that. He'll kick my @$$.

I saw a really disturbing video of a European Tae Kwon Do master attempting to kick an apple off the end of a Samurai sword-- and failing. He ended up bisecting his foot length-wise, almost all the way down to his heel. He was very lucky the guy holding the sword dropped it, or he would have sliced on up his leg! I think I'll leave that trick to the crazies, and just learn the plain old garden variety fighting stuff. No fancy parlor tricks for me!

Back & forth, back & forth--I'm gonna get whiplash!

2005-01-06T09:25:00.000-08:00

Ha! Saw the surgeon today and it turns out my Tae Kwon Do lesson didn't do any damage, after all! The panic about maybe popping stitches turned out to be a false alarm, much to my relief. Now I can resume training, but I am supposed to lay off the kicking for a couple of weeks, just to be on the safe side.

Darn it, darn it, darn it!

2005-01-05T13:54:00.000-08:00

Popped some stitches from my surgery, apparently from Tae Kwon Do class yesterday, so I'll be waiting another month before I resume training. The doctor really chewed me out, which ticks me off, because I asked him before my surgery and he said Tae Kwon Do would be okay, but now he scolds me for taking the class too soon after surgery!

Just did the math.

2005-01-04T17:25:00.000-08:00

Hey. If my hourly wage had risen commensurate with the minimum wage instead of staying exactly where it was when I was hired ten years ago. . .

Minimum wage ten years ago $4.25............................and now $5.15
My hourly wage then was $15.00..................................still is $15.00
...............................................................................should be $18.18

Whaddya think? Ask for a raise and risk getting canned and having nothing? Or suck it up and stay put with what I have? Everything else about my job is quite nice, actually.

Weeee-Heeeeeeee!

2005-01-04T11:59:00.000-08:00

Had a great first Tae Kwon Do class! It was the middle-of-the-day class, obviously, and with an ice storm brewing, there were only two students there-- me and a nice green belt named Jay. I had been worried that I might not be able to do much because of my recent surgery, but I think I hung in there pretty well. We started off jogging around the dojang, and Jay and I went through the stretches. I only got in 20 sit-ups, the hard kind. If they'd been the Pilates type, I could do those all day, but these were much harder, so I was struggling to get to 20. I was proud of myself for doing 10 knuckle push-ups, though they were the girlie bent-knee kind. Of course, Jay was doing fingertip ones, and the kind where you clap in the middle!

As far as actual Tae Kwon Do goes, I learned basic protocol and etiquette, standing at attention and readiness, an L stance, a punching stance, and a kick. Not bad for a one-hour class.

It's been great for body and spirit-- my mood is better than it was yesterday, too.

I can't wait to go back Thursday!

Well, that came on quick.

2005-01-03T13:24:00.000-08:00

Suddenly I find myself slam-dunking into a depression. I was trucking along just fine, even went off the anti-depressant I take because of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. (I know, I know, I'm already kicking myself in the butt. I'm a psychologist, too. Duh! I know better.) Was doing great, meds-free for a couple of weeks, even through the week after Christmas without my kids, etc. Then two days ago I caught myself being just a little more sensitive than normal about some little thing, and I thought, "Hmmmm. Maybe I should get back on the Wellbutrin. I'd better keep an eye on myself." Yesterday seemed just a wee bit more so, but still, not depressed or actually sad. Just maybe a little more insecure and self-doubting. Today, I am a fuc#ing basket case. One of my birds died, I think I missed an appointment, but I can't find the card I wrote it on, so I'm not even sure, I keep misplacing little things, can't get anything done, can't seem to catch my breath (which is an anxiety thing for me)-- I'm just completely falling apart. I feel like all I want to do is crawl under the covers and cry myself to sleep. But it's almost time to go get the kids from school, and tonight, I have dance class, so I took my meds like a good little girl, and I'll suck it up and put on my tap shoes and go through the motions, and by next week, I'll be back to regular, medicated, happy me. God, I wish I could just be regular, happy me without the medication! I get so angry that I have to deal with PTSD and can't just be "normal."

You know, I think one thing that triggered this little dip was when I was talking to some friends about how I have a hard time meeting people, and they said, "You just have to go out and go up to someone who looks interesting and say, 'hi.' How hard is that?" I said, "I can't do that. I have an anxiety disorder. I CAN'T do that." They said, "Everybody gets nervous. You just have to get over it and say, 'hi,' that's all." I tried to explain to them that there's a difference between everyday normal people anxiety and anxiety disorder ANXIETY but it was like I was speaking some totally alien tongue. At that point, I began to feel sort of lost, because these friends I had been talking to were some friends I had felt I could totally trust with anything, and now, I don't know.

So a big happy freakin' new year thank you shout-out to my ex for abusing me and messing me up. And thanks for paying the thousand bucks in back child support you owe me! Oh wait, you didn't. Never mind.

2005-01-02T20:21:00.000-08:00

congratulations. you are the kiss my ass happy
bunny. You don't care about anyone or anything.
You must be so proud

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Off to a good start. . .

2005-01-01T17:51:00.000-08:00

Wound up staying at my friends' house a whole 24 hours, we were having such a nice time. We watched three movies, all very enjoyable:

The Stepford Wives, which I know now I HAVE to buy on DVD. Too wonderful for words!

Dodge Ball, which was also funny, in my opinion-- gross is right up my alley.

9 Dead Gay Guys, which was the best one yet. Incredibly funny, sick humor; again, just my thing.

If you see this, thanks Todd and Ron, for a wonderful visit!

Happy New Year!

2004-12-31T15:41:00.000-08:00

I'm off to usher in the new year with my best friend and his partner, in a quiet evening of gossip and beverages at their house. I'll be staying over in their guest room, so I don't have to worry about getting plowed by a drunk driver on the way home in the middle of the night. The reason this evening is significant is because I will be celebrating the new year with some friends I truly love and feel safe with, people I never would have met had I stayed with my abuser. My abuser would never have allowed me to associate with gay people, and he worked during our marriage to destroy all the friendships I had of any kind. I am so thankful to have my life of freedom, and my dear, trustworthy friends! I'm looking forward to another good year of liberty.

Goals for 2005

2004-12-30T10:34:00.001-08:00

Okay. (sigh) I guess I'll give in and post the obligatory list of New Year's Resolutions:

1) Get the rest of the way down to my ideal weight. (Should happen by mid-March.)
2) Get budget more under control-- stop buying jewelry, dammit!
3) Organize receipts to bill ex-husband for his extra child-support due.
4) Invest in well-chosen new wardrobe to fit my new size.
5) Continue to work to support my church, which is struggling financially.
6) Pursue Tae Kwon Do. Earn orange belt by end of year.

Oh yeah!

2004-12-29T13:27:00.000-08:00

Just weighed in a little while ago, and I've lost 55 pounds, with 28 more to go! Yippee!

Wheeee!

2004-12-28T13:59:00.000-08:00

The kindly UPS delivery person just brought me the stuff I ordered with a Christmas gift card some friends sent me-- 7 Stan Kenton CDs and the Charlie Brown Christmas album by the Vince Guaraldi trio. Yay, yay, YAY!

First up, Vince Guaraldi, since I've been working on Fred Marshall's bass line from O Tannenbaum.

Happy, happy, happy me.

Free clothes. . . .

2004-12-26T11:28:00.000-08:00

I have been losing weight lately, and I have some clothes boxed up to give away. I was going to run them over to the DV shelter, but thought I would also be willing to ship them to another blogger who might also be a survivor who could use them. They're mostly sizes 16 and 18, in cool colors and some chocolate browns, things that look good on winters and summers, pinkish complexions. These are clothes that would be good casual work-type clothes, or maybe for job interviews, and they're mostly in good shape. Drop me a comment with an email address if you are interested, and I will get in touch with you. Feel free to add NOSPAM in the middle of your address-- I'll have the sense to take it out, and that'll protect you from spambots.

Christmas Break Continues

2004-12-26T09:23:00.000-08:00

Sent my kids off to spend the rest of their break with Daddy, this morning. They'll be with him until just before school starts up again. I hate it because I know he's going to be mean to my daughter again, and she'll have to document incidents and file ANOTHER report at school when she goes back. She has reported every incident, but the authorities have done nothing. He's smart enough never to leave actual bruises or physical evidence. He's just psychologically cruel, or slaps her lightly. Enough to hurt, but not leave a mark. Never mean to little brother, the golden child, which does great things for the kids' relationship with each other, too. She resents little brother so much, and has such torn up feelings about herself and her dad, and I get to spend much of MY parenting time repairing the damage. Anyhow, I sent the kids off with wishes for safe and happy times, and now I have a little more than a week to live like a single person-- a very rare and precious thing for me. I doubt I'll enjoy it much, though. I'll get caught up on chores, get some more sleep, get in some more hours at work. . . no big parties or one-night-stands for this "gay divorcee."

Christmas Eve

2004-12-24T13:07:00.000-08:00

Still recovering from surgery-- coming along nicely, I suppose, but my throat is still a little raw from the anesthesia breathing tube, which I'm a little surprised and frustrated about, especially since I have to sing at the 11:00 service tonight, and not an easy piece. I've been chugging back the hot tea and the Ricola throat drops and practicing periodically to get the voice warmed up. I know I'll be able to do the piece, but it won't be the best performance I ever gave, and I hate not to do Mozart justice. Still, I have come a very long way. Just a few short months ago, I was not singing AT ALL, because my self-esteem had taken such a hammering from abuse. In fact, my first major singing gig in years was this past Halloween Eve, when I did the Recordare from Andrew Lloyd Webber's Requiem at the Historic Haunting of St. Mary's. I count this as a real milestone in my life, getting the courage to sing out in public again, after so many years of silence. For a long time, I identified with the younger brother in the movie Merry Christmas, Mr. Lawrence. If you haven't ever seen this one, I recommend trying it out some night when you're in a somber, intellectual mood.

Journal entries from my abusive marriage

2004-12-21T15:41:00.000-08:00

Late June 1996--
(The first real sign of trouble) After my son's birth, Marv (my husband) tells me he cannot afford to be stressed and short of sleep when he goes back to work (in August), so he will be sleeping in the basement until the baby is sleeping through the night in his own crib (instead of the cradle in our room). Marv says he will take his pager downstairs with him, so I can reach him for help if I need it. About half of the time that I page him for help, I hear the pager buzzing somewhere upstairs. I experience considerable stress using a breast pump 12 times a day and managing an infant and 21-month-old on my own. After a time, I quit bothering to page him, because it isn't worth the hassle. I tell him I feel abandoned and devalued as a person. He tells me to "deal with it." Marv sleeps in the basement for more than four months.

March 17, unknown year, late 1990's--
I attend my friend Irene's surprise birthday party. Since she loves white wine, guests are asked to bring a bottle of white wine as a gift. Marv knows I am going to the party, and what the theme is. (Because Marv's wife before me was an alcoholic, I had made a commitment to be alcohol-free as a show of support to him and my stepdaughter.) I attend the party, but do not drink any alcohol. When I arrive home after, Marv greets me at the door with a big, passionate kiss. I think, "How romantic!" until I realize he was just checking me for alcohol! He admits that he didn't trust me to honor the commitment I voluntarily made, nor did he trust me to tell the truth about it! The funny thing-- I don't even care much for wine. Wouldn't have had any even if I hadn't made the commitment!

Sometime Mid-2000 to present--
Marv comes across a box of my old stuff from college. In the box is a pile of old letters from assorted friends of mine, thrown into the box when I packed my dorm room, then forgotten. He reads them all, and then begins to interrogate me about the contents. Any time a letter is from someone with a gender-neutral name (like Pat), Marv assumes the writer is male. He interprets everything in the most insulting, damaging light possible. One friend had written to me expressing thanks that I stood by her as a supportive friend when she made the decision to get an abortion. Marv accuses me of brainwashing her into getting the abortion. For many months, he brings up material in those letters, most of which I had completely forgotten. For every male writer, he asks if I ever slept with him, though I have told him many times I had only ever been with two men. He asks me repeatedly if I've ever had lesbian experiences with any of my female friends, and when I say that I have not, he asks, "Are you sure?"

December 2000 to present--
Marv becomes obsessed with the idea that I am addicted to what he calls "suck and f***" music, or "porno." He originally starts in on this crusade after hearing the song "Pretty Thing" by Tin Machine. He reads all the lyrics on my CDs, or looks them up on the internet if not pre-printed. He expands his witch hunt by doing research at the library on the effects of rock and roll on brain development! (Mind you, I was an adult, listening to mainstream rock on my own time. I was not playing music in front of my children that would not have been appropriate for them, I was not listening to particularly "hard core" music, and I was only listening for brief periods, when I had time.) Marv tells me often that I am in the grip of Satan and severely addicted to pornography, but that I am in denial. He equates adult rock music to Hustler magazine. Marv orders me to remove certain CDs from our home, because he doesn't want porn in our house. If an artist has recorded one song Marv doesn't like, that artist's entire body of work is labeled "trash." See below for a partial list of banned musicians. Eventually, Marv declares he will not be intimate with me on days I have listened to rock music, even on the car radio! He interrogates me every night about my listening behavior of the day. He is withholding affection in an attempt to shape my behavior. Marv brings up the "porno music" topic EVERY DAY, making threats or abusive comments about my moral development.

January 2001 and following--
Marv begins monitoring every penny I spend. Each day he asks me what hours I worked, what I did before, during, and after work, what I did for lunch, etc. He carefully asks me, multiple times, if I've bought anything. Later I discover he has been searching my purse for receipts. I catch Hell from him if I've forgotten to tell him about a soda I got at the gas station when I filled up the car. I begin finding ways to hide small purchases from him, because I am so tired of the interrogations, and feel so violated, like I have no safe haven. Marv goes so far as to have the employees at Borders pull up my order history on the computer so he can keep track of my purchases. Even after I sternly order the manager not to share my information because I am being harassed, he is still able to get the information! He also calls my father and tells him not to buy me any gift certificates that could be used to purchase CDs anywhere. Marv constantly asks me what I'm thinking, too, so I don't even have privacy inside my own head! This constant monitoring goes on even after I move out and file for divorce. At one point, Marv telephones my stepdaughter while he is out of town and asks her to look in the CD changer and tell him what discs are in there. He never even asks to speak to me, so I have no idea he has called. Later he questions me about the CDs, trying to trap me in a lie.

February 2001--
I begin noticing that whenever I get in my van after Marv has driven it, all my radio station pre-sets have been changed to the local Christian radio station. Eventually, he gets into the habit of changing my radio stations even when he hasn't been driving the van! I ask him repeated times to leave my stations as programmed, because I would never dream of tampering with his, but he continues to do this. It's not that hard to use the seek button to find a station you want to listen to without changing someone's settings! What a nutcase, to go to all this trouble just to mess with me! This kind of intentional, controlling behavior is classic abuse. It's futile, because I just re-program the radio each time. His little effort to expose me to good influences only serves to anger me and waste both of our time!

March 2001--
Marv deletes my bookmarks from Netscape because he doesn't approve of them. Then he uninstalls SimCity and The Sims from our computer because he thinks they are evil.

April 17, 2001--
In the evening, while I am picking up my dad at the airport, Marv takes all my CDs (about 65 discs) into the garage and throws them up into the air. He then runs over several of them with the kids' little red wagon. As I gather them up, in tears, he stands over me and mocks me. "Those aren't your children! Why are you crying?"

April 18, 2001--
The kids overhear me talking on the phone to a friend about last night's CD incident, and they tell Grandpa about it at dinner in front of Marv. Boy, am I in for it! After the kids go to bed, he makes non-specific threats and insists that I tell the kids it was all a misunderstanding, or else.

April 19, 2001--
As Marv stands by to make sure I get it right, I tell the kids, "What happened with Mommy's CDs was an accident. They fell down and Daddy helped me pick them up." Later, on the way to school, the kids and I have a good talk about how we all know what really happened, and that Daddy told me to lie to them. (Actually, we've had lots of good, honest talks since then, too. He continues to lie to me in front of them, and they always set me straight later. Does he think the kids are stupid, deaf, or dumb? They scratch their heads and ask me, "Why would Daddy lie about that?")

May 25, 2001--
As I'm driving to Ohio with my dad, Marv goes to work and prints address labels with prayers on them, then sticks them all over the librettos and rear paper covers of the few CDs I have left at home. Multiple stickers are applied for each CD, all covering the faces of the artists, so some of the pictures are ruined upon removal. He tells me he has applied the stickers because he wanted me to think about the prayers.

Summer 2001--
I spend three separate weeks in a mental health full-day outpatient treatment program. I would get buoyed up by my therapists, go home, fall apart, and end up back in the hospital. ALL the therapists and other patients were telling me my husband was not going to change, that I needed to get a divorce. One time, Marv faxes song lyrics he has printed off the internet to the hospital, and asks the nurses to share them with my therapists so they can see what "filth" I am addicted to. Most of the songs are ones I have never heard, from albums I don't have! The therapists all laugh and roll their eyes about what a jerk he is. During this time, Marv also makes a habit of going through my journal and making notes. On some pages he writes "This is bulls***!"

July 5, 2001--
My children tell me Daddy has told them I have a giant butt, that I am way too lazy, and that I am weird because I get stressed out. They also tell me he has asked them to listen in when I am on the phone, so they can tell Marv if I am talking about him.

July 8, 2001--
Marv leaves on a trip to Dallas. The rest of the day is remarkably tranquil, I'm happy, the kids are easy to manage.

July 22, 2001--
As I am walking on my treadmill and listening to a CD on headphones, Marv comes downstairs and asks me what I'm listening to. When I tell him the name of the album (Instinct, one of Iggy Pop's mildest efforts, content-wise) he says, "On a holy day?!" Later, when he goes back upstairs, he says, sarcastically, "Have a nice, holy Sunday!" He then drives off in a huff for several hours. When he comes home, he accuses me of sneaking the CD downstairs.

End of July, 2001--
The kids and I move in with Grandpa (my father). Over the next several months, I file for, and obtain, a divorce. I also lose 50 pounds and am able to stop taking all nine of the prescriptions I was taking for anxiety, high blood pressure, and asthma.

Update: I have now been free from my abuser a little more than three years, and I have lost about 140 pounds from my all-time high weight while I was with him. I have about 30 pounds to go before I will be at my ideal weight, which I expect to reach in the spring.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD for about two years now, and take medication for that-- will post comprehensively about PTSD at a later time, when I get around to it. In general, though, my health is good, life is great, and I'm still loving freedom.

August, 2001--
I still have property in the house I was sharing with Marv. One day, I go over to get some more of my things, and find a note taped to his bedroom door. The note tells me that if I go in his bedroom, he will break into my house, steal my vibrator (guess who bought it for me?) and show it to my father! The note is handwritten, in Marv's handwriting. I still have it, in my "show to a lawyer, if needed" file.

October 5, 2001--
The day after our divorce is final, Marv cleans out our American Century joint accounts, taking much more than his share per our divorce agreement. He kept telling me, each time I asked, that he was too busy to go in and divvy up the money with me. We had agreed to go in together and close out the accounts according to a formula in our divorce decree, and had an unwritten understanding that neither one of us would touch the accounts until then. Stupid, trusting person that I am! Of course, I discovered much later that Marv had already looted the accounts. Fortunately, he agreed to pay me back my share after I threatened to have him arrested at his workplace. He even wrote me a check that didn't bounce! (But he did heap lots of verbal abuse on me as he handed it to me!)

December 22, 2001--
My ex-husband remarries! This is his fifth marriage, to a woman he had been married to twice before, at the age of 20. They were married then for a total time of about six months. Best of luck!

Post-surgery update

2004-12-21T13:01:00.000-08:00

Well, my surgery went smoothly, so now I am home recuperating. I was pretty anxious, going into it, and got a little teary while I was waiting to be taken back. A nice nurse noticed, and brought me tissues, and sat and talked with me. I felt a bit better after I explained to her that it wasn't ME I was worried about, but my kids-- that they would be in the hands of an abuser if anything happened to me. She reassured me that I was going to be alright. Everyone there was very confident and upbeat. There were some anesthesiology students sitting in on my case, which made me feel a little more secure. All those extra people, being extra careful about my anesthesia! I woke up in recovery wanting to sing passages from Mozart's Great Mass in C, but my throat was sore from the breathing tube, so I just hummed it in my head. They gave me two shots of fentanyl, which did nothing, then switched to morphine, which is some pretty good stuff! My first experience with it, I think, but then I'm not sure I would remember anyway.

Thanks to Dr. James Mirabile for his fine surgical skills, to Dr. Dixon and his team for managing the anesthesia, and to the many fine nurses in the surgery department at OPRMC.

Progress on the requiem

2004-12-19T20:23:00.000-08:00

The Requiem for Battered Souls is moving along very nicely. I have heard several passages mapped out, and it sounds very dramatic and stirring, so far. We are still looking for poems by DV survivors to include in the performance, especially if they focus on the joy and peace of life after leaving the abuse. The target date for the first performance will be around the third week of October, 2005. Patrons are still needed to underwrite production costs for the first performance. Patrons who give $150 or more will be invited to a gourmet dinner on the night of the premiere, and will receive a complimentary CD of the requiem.

Good news / bad news

2004-12-16T18:06:00.000-08:00

Well, the good news is, I don't have to have a hysterectomy. The bad news is, I am going to be having a somewhat less invasive surgery. At least I get to have it next week, before all my insurance co-pays go up after the first of the year. The thing that worries me about the whole thing is that if anything happens to me, my abusive ex-husband will automatically have control of the kids, and he is so mean to my daughter! That anesthesiologist had better not mess up, for my children's sake!

Living With PTSD

2004-12-09T19:08:00.000-08:00

Ugh. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is no fun, to put it mildly. Yesterday, while I was at work, I happened to be standing in the front office by the glass window when the mail came. As the mailman handed the stack to our receptionist, he said, "Got a certified letter for ya," and I saw the familiar green card out of the corner of my eye. Well, I kept looking at my schedule book, as I had been, but my heart was pounding as if I had just nearly fallen off a rooftop. I was praying the receptionist wouldn't say, "Mary, this is for you." Absolutely terrified. See, just after my divorce, my ex jerked me around by filing some nuisance suits and taking me to court so that I spent a year's salary on legal fees in about 18 months time, just getting them dismissed. I had gotten conditioned to be afraid of certified letters-- they were always bad news, or really hateful. So, even after I found out the certified letter was for my partner, I felt panicky and upset a good 24 hours later. That's the difference between a PTSD flashback and a regular panic attack. PTSD flashbacks have identifiable triggers, whereas panic attacks come on suddenly, without warning, for no apparent reason. Another big PTSD trigger for me was answering my cell phone. I fixed that by changing my number so I KNEW it wasn't my ex calling, and after a few months it was better. Turning on my computer was also bad, because he used to send me harrassing emails, so I told him I didn't have email anymore, changed the address, and now, am doing better about that, too.

Call for Poems to be Submitted

2004-12-07T04:38:00.000-08:00

The composer who is working on a requiem for victims of domestic violence is interested in including poems by domestic violence survivors, to be read aloud between passages of the music. She would like these poems to focus on healing and hope, the joy of finding freedom, etc. The requiem will not be a for-profit exercise. Proceeds from performances will go to charities, including DV shelters, programs for the homeless, and churches where the requiem will be performed. Anyone who wishes to submit a poem for consideration, please feel free to post here, and I will get it to the composer. I'll also be glad to answer any questions!

Exciting New Project

2004-12-06T05:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I talked with a composer about commissioning a requiem mass for all victims of domestic violence. The composer's name is Barbara Garrett, and she's already at work on the piece, very excited about it. We're looking at a premiere performance in the Fall of 2005. Now we'll need to find donors to underwrite the expense of mounting the production. It will cost about $20,000, by the time we pay for musicians, conductor, printing, blah blah blah. The first performance will be a joint benefit for some local churches and a domestic violence shelter.

Too cool! I can't wait to hear it!

Links to Information About Personality Disorders

2004-12-04T13:51:00.000-08:00

http://behavenet.com/capsules/disorders/narcissisticpd.htm Narcissistic Personality Disorder

http://http://faculty.ncwc.edu/toconnor/428/428lect16.htm Antisocial Personality Disorder (Also called Sociopathy or Psychopathy)

Both of these disorders involve abusive behavior, and would be worthwhile study material for DV victims and survivors.

Music as a tool for healing

2004-12-04T13:10:00.000-08:00

One thing I did as soon as I was free from my abuser was to take up lessons on a new musical instrument. This has been a tremendous experience for me, and a means of personal growth and healing. Being free to choose what to do with my time was a wonderful gift I did not want to squander. Learning to play the bass has taught me that I can learn anything I want to, if I try, and has helped me rebuild my confidence in myself. Now that I am free from my abusive marriage, I am in control of my destiny. Last night, I played my first gig, a small, simple performance, but it went well, so I am already thinking of what I would like to do for the next one. Playing out in front of other people was a big milestone for me, due to my PTSD and general anxiety issues. Finding ways to express oneself through music is also a help in healing from abuse because it can give you another way to work through feelings when words won't do.

Simply listening to music can also be a healing experience. Some recordings that I have found particularly uplifting as a DV survivor are Hilary Duff's Metamorphosis and India Arie's Acoustic Soul.

Self-Defense for Women

2004-11-14T06:27:00.000-08:00

One thing I have recently found very self-empowering is a self-defense class I took. It was a class designed for women-- an intensive, all-day course in no-holds-barred technique that taught me how to handle any situation with confidence. I took my training at Aspire Martial Arts and Fitness in Overland Park, Kansas. I highly recommend their class, and will gladly give contact information for any woman interested in signing up. The class is only $50 for one Saturday. The instructor is Master John C. Brown, a Tae Kwon Do master who has an impressive list of credentials. I think the next class will be scheduled for January 2005.

If you think you are being abused. . . .

2004-11-07T11:46:00.000-08:00

Here are a couple of resources that have been very helpful to me and to other victims of abuse:

http://www.leavingabuse.com-- This site has lots of helpful information for people in abusive situations, and a good message board where folks can confidentially reach out to others for advice and emotional support.

http://www.lundybancroft.com/-- This author has years of experience working with abusers in an attempt to reform them. My favorite of his books is Why Does He Do That?, which I think is a must-read for anyone concerned about abuse.

Please leave me a post if anything in my blog has been helpful to you, or if you'd like more information. I'll try to help. Nobody deserves to live with abuse.

Thanks for visiting my blog.

Mary

Late June 1996--

2004-11-06T19:06:00.000-08:00

(The first real sign of trouble) After my son's birth, Marv (my husband) tells me he cannot afford to be stressed and short of sleep when he goes back to work (in August), so he will be sleeping in the basement until the baby is sleeping through the night in his own crib (instead of the cradle in our room). Marv says he will take his pager downstairs with him, so I can reach him for help if I need it. About half of the time that I page him for help, I hear the pager buzzing somewhere upstairs. I experience considerable stress using a breast pump 12 times a day and managing an infant and 21-month-old on my own. After a time, I quit bothering to page him, because it isn't worth the hassle. I tell him I feel abandoned and devalued as a person. He tells me to "deal with it." Marv sleeps in the basement for more than four months.

March 17, unknown year, late 1990's--

2004-11-06T19:05:00.000-08:00

I attend my friend Irene's surprise birthday party. Since she loves white wine, guests are asked to bring a bottle of white wine as a gift. Marv knows I am going to the party, and what the theme is. (Because Marv's wife before me was an alcoholic, I had made a commitment to be alcohol-free as a show of support to him and my stepdaughter.) I attend the party, but do not drink any alcohol. When I arrive home after, Marv greets me at the door with a big, passionate kiss. I think, "How romantic!" until I realize he was just checking me for alcohol! He admits that he didn't trust me to honor the commitment I voluntarily made, nor did he trust me to tell the truth about it! The funny thing-- I don't even care much for wine. Wouldn't have had any even if I hadn't made the commitment!

Sometime Mid-2000 to present--

2004-11-06T19:04:00.000-08:00

Marv comes across a box of my old stuff from college. In the box is a pile of old letters from assorted friends of mine, thrown into the box when I packed my dorm room, then forgotten. He reads them all, and then begins to interrogate me about the contents. Any time a letter is from someone with a gender-neutral name (like Pat), Marv assumes the writer is male. He interprets everything in the most insulting, damaging light possible. One friend had written to me expressing thanks that I stood by her as a supportive friend when she made the decision to get an abortion. Marv accuses me of brainwashing her into getting the abortion. For many months, he brings up material in those letters, most of which I had completely forgotten. For every male writer, he asks if I ever slept with him, though I have told him many times I had only ever been with two men. He asks me repeatedly if I've ever had lesbian experiences with any of my female friends, and when I say that I have not, he asks, "Are you sure?"

December 2000 to present--

2004-11-06T19:03:00.000-08:00

Marv becomes obsessed with the idea that I am addicted to what he calls "suck and f***" music, or "porno." He originally starts in on this crusade after hearing the song "Pretty Thing" by Tin Machine. He reads all the lyrics on my CDs, or looks them up on the internet if not pre-printed. He expands his witch hunt by doing research at the library on the effects of rock and roll on brain development! (Mind you, I was an adult, listening to mainstream rock on my own time. I was not playing music in front of my children that would not have been appropriate for them, I was not listening to particularly "hard core" music, and I was only listening for brief periods, when I had time.) Marv tells me often that I am in the grip of Satan and severely addicted to pornography, but that I am in denial. He equates adult rock music to Hustler magazine. Marv orders me to remove certain CDs from our home, because he doesn't want porn in our house. If an artist has recorded one song Marv doesn't like, that artist's entire body of work is labeled "trash." See below for a partial list of banned musicians. Eventually, Marv declares he will not be intimate with me on days I have listened to rock music, even on the car radio! He interrogates me every night about my listening behavior of the day. He is withholding affection in an attempt to shape my behavior. Marv brings up the "porno music" topic EVERY DAY, making threats or abusive comments about my moral development.

January 2001 and following--

2004-11-06T19:02:00.000-08:00

Marv begins monitoring every penny I spend. Each day he asks me what hours I worked, what I did before, during, and after work, what I did for lunch, etc. He carefully asks me, multiple times, if I've bought anything. Later I discover he has been searching my purse for receipts. I catch Hell from him if I've forgotten to tell him about a soda I got at the gas station when I filled up the car. I begin finding ways to hide small purchases from him, because I am so tired of the interrogations, and feel so violated, like I have no safe haven. Marv goes so far as to have the employees at Borders pull up my order history on the computer so he can keep track of my purchases. Even after I sternly order the manager not to share my information because I am being harassed, he is still able to get the information! He also calls my father and tells him not to buy me any gift certificates that could be used to purchase CDs anywhere. Marv constantly asks me what I'm thinking, too, so I don't even have privacy inside my own head! This constant monitoring goes on even after I move out and file for divorce. At one point, Marv telephones my stepdaughter while he is out of town and asks her to look in the CD changer and tell him what discs are in there. He never even asks to speak to me, so I have no idea he has called. Later he questions me about the CDs, trying to trap me in a lie.

February 2001--

2004-11-06T19:01:00.000-08:00

I begin noticing that whenever I get in my van after Marv has driven it, all my radio station pre-sets have been changed to the local Christian radio station. Eventually, he gets into the habit of changing my radio stations even when he hasn't been driving the van! I ask him repeated times to leave my stations as programmed, because I would never dream of tampering with his, but he continues to do this. It's not that hard to use the seek button to find a station you want to listen to without changing someone's settings! What a nutcase, to go to all this trouble just to mess with me! This kind of intentional, controlling behavior is classic abuse. It's futile, because I just re-program the radio each time. His little effort to expose me to good influences only serves to anger me and waste both of our time!

March 2001--

2004-11-06T19:00:00.000-08:00

Marv deletes my bookmarks from Netscape because he doesn't approve of them. Then he uninstalls SimCity and The Sims from our computer because he thinks they are evil.

April 17, 2001--

2004-11-06T18:59:00.000-08:00

In the evening, while I am picking up my dad at the airport, Marv takes all my CDs (about 65 discs) into the garage and throws them up into the air. He then runs over several of them with the kids' little red wagon. As I gather them up, in tears, he stands over me and mocks me. "Those aren't your children! Why are you crying?"

April 18, 2001--

2004-11-06T18:58:00.000-08:00

The kids overhear me talking on the phone to a friend about last night's CD incident, and they tell Grandpa about it at dinner in front of Marv. Boy, am I in for it! After the kids go to bed, he makes non-specific threats and insists that I tell the kids it was all a misunderstanding, or else.

April 19, 2001--

2004-11-06T18:57:00.000-08:00

As Marv stands by to make sure I get it right, I tell the kids, "What happened with Mommy's CDs was an accident. They fell down and Daddy helped me pick them up." Later, on the way to school, the kids and I have a good talk about how we all know what really happened, and that Daddy told me to lie to them. (Actually, we've had lots of good, honest talks since then, too. He continues to lie to me in front of them, and they always set me straight later. Does he think the kids are stupid, deaf, or dumb? They scratch their heads and ask me, "Why would Daddy lie about that?")

May 25, 2001--

2004-11-06T18:56:00.000-08:00

As I'm driving to Ohio with my dad, Marv goes to work and prints address labels with prayers on them, then sticks them all over the librettos and rear paper covers of the few CDs I have left at home. Multiple stickers are applied for each CD, all covering the faces of the artists, so some of the pictures are ruined upon removal. He tells me he has applied the stickers because he wanted me to think about the prayers.

Summer 2001--

2004-11-06T18:55:00.000-08:00

I spend three separate weeks in a mental health full-day outpatient treatment program. I would get buoyed up by my therapists, go home, fall apart, and end up back in the hospital. ALL the therapists and other patients were telling me my husband was not going to change, that I needed to get a divorce. One time, Marv faxes song lyrics he has printed off the internet to the hospital, and asks the nurses to share them with my therapists so they can see what "filth" I am addicted to. Most of the songs are ones I have never heard, from albums I don't have! The therapists all laugh and roll their eyes about what a jerk he is. During this time, Marv also makes a habit of going through my journal and making notes. On some pages he writes "This is bulls***!"

July 5, 2001--

2004-11-06T18:54:00.000-08:00

My children tell me Daddy has told them I have a giant butt, that I am way too lazy, and that I am weird because I get stressed out. They also tell me he has asked them to listen in when I am on the phone, so they can tell Marv if I am talking about him.

July 8, 2001--

2004-11-06T18:53:00.000-08:00

Marv leaves on a trip to Dallas. The rest of the day is remarkably tranquil, I'm happy, the kids are easy to manage.

July 22, 2001--

2004-11-06T18:52:00.000-08:00

As I am walking on my treadmill and listening to a CD on headphones, Marv comes downstairs and asks me what I'm listening to. When I tell him the name of the album (Instinct, one of Iggy Pop's mildest efforts, content-wise) he says, "On a holy day?!" Later, when he goes back upstairs, he says, sarcastically, "Have a nice, holy Sunday!" He then drives off in a huff for several hours. When he comes home, he accuses me of sneaking the CD downstairs.

End of July, 2001--

2004-11-06T18:51:00.000-08:00

The kids and I move in with Grandpa (my father). Over the next several months, I file for, and obtain, a divorce. I also lose 50 pounds and am able to stop taking all nine of the prescriptions I was taking for anxiety, high blood pressure, and asthma.

August, 2001--

2004-11-06T18:50:00.000-08:00

I still have property in the house I was sharing with Marv. One day, I go over to get some more of my things, and find a note taped to his bedroom door. The note tells me that if I go in his bedroom, he will break into my house, steal my vibrator (guess who bought it for me?) and show it to my father! The note is handwritten, in Marv's handwriting. I still have it, in my "show to a lawyer, if needed" file.

October 5, 2001--

2004-11-06T18:49:00.000-08:00

The day after our divorce is final, Marv cleans out our American Century joint accounts, taking much more than his share per our divorce agreement. He kept telling me, each time I asked, that he was too busy to go in and divvy up the money with me. We had agreed to go in together and close out the accounts according to a formula in our divorce decree, and had an unwritten understanding that neither one of us would touch the accounts until then. Stupid, trusting person that I am! Of course, I discovered much later that Marv had already looted the accounts. Fortunately, he agreed to pay me back my share after I threatened to have him arrested at his workplace. He even wrote me a check that didn't bounce! (But he did heap lots of verbal abuse on me as he handed it to me!)

December 22, 2001--

2004-11-06T18:45:00.000-08:00

My ex-husband remarries! This is his fifth marriage, to a woman he had been married to twice before, at the age of 20. They were married then for a total time of about six months. Best of luck!